Chasing the Illusion of Happiness

Did you ever notice that as a kid happiness seemed so easy? You weren’t aware of the pressures of life and the littlest things could bring you happiness. A new toy or a ride on your bike on a summer day could bring a smile to your face. Of course school got in the way of fun, but it was bearable and you had your friends there to help get you through the day.

All that seemed to change once I hit high school and started thinking about the life of adulthood. I started getting an idea of what I wanted. As my senior year faded, I picked a college and started to make a plan for my life. It seemed so simple. I would get my degree by the time I was 22. Then I would start a career and look to settle down and find a relationship. After a few years with someone, and by the age of 25, I would get married. I thought I would be starting a family by the time I was about 27.

This was my plan and it actually seemed like it was all going to work out. I was taking 20 hours a semester at UNT and started my first seriously relationship when I was 19. We seemed to be a good match. She was funny and outgoing. We both loved sports and had a lot of fun spending time with each other. This went on for awhile, but it wasn’t meant to be. For various reasons it didn’t work out and I started taking less and less classes each semester.

Then before I knew it I was 26,  still didn’t have my degree, and was single. I did however already have a start on a career. So things weren’t going exactly how I had planned, but all was not lost. I would be a little behind schedule but I could definitely see finding someone and maybe starting a family by the time I was 30.

A couple of years passed of dating here and there, but nothing really of substance. Then through a friend, I met my second serious girlfriend. She actually was a lot like me personality wise, but didn’t quite have the passion I did for sports. This was not really a bad thing as she was willing to let me be me. I got swept up in the romance of it all and we married after only about 8 months of knowing each other. I had always said quicky marriages are doomed to fail, but I had reasons to just put blinders on and hope for the best. This of course ended exactly how I would have imagined. Well maybe not quite as I had imagined, but it wasn’t too much of a shock that it didn’t last. On top of all that I had stopped going to college so still didn’t have my degree, and I had started getting bored with my career.

That was close to 2 years ago. Now as I sit back and think of all the good times and bad times I have been through, I can’t help but think how I don’t know if I have ever been truly happy. Not sure if I was caught up in chasing a dream or if I just didn’t have an idea of what happiness truly was. Don’t get me wrong. It isn’t like I have had a bad life. I have a steady job that pays decent, a few really close friends that I know are there for me, family close by, and as far as I know I’m healthy. There have also been many adventures and good times that I have enjoyed.

So now I have no plan or even vision of where my life will lead. Don’t really know if that is good or bad. Maybe that is the way life is intended to be. I just wonder though, if I’ll get a new image to chase or if I’ll just come to the realization that maybe some people aren’t meant to be happy?

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